Part I: An open letter to PayPal.
Lately it seems everything needs to be overly complicated. This is quite the understatement, because some things, to me are just mind-blowingly broken to begin with. Why do we feel the need to design broken processes?
I use basically everything in English, I just prefer English. It’s not “BetaalVriend”, “eBaai” or “NederNet” but “PayPal”, “eBay” and “Internet”. English. It was in English to begin with and literal translations are root of all evil. It’s what wrong with all countries that dub everything. They have populations that generally speak poor English, if even. The other day I bought something off of eBay from a german seller. Subsequently I received all communication in German. This is just arrogant and ignorant. There.
Recently I tried contacting PayPal’s customer service. Impossible. I also use PayPal in English, but when I access the site, it always routes me to the Dutch version. IP check! But, service fail. Because what happens when I click “Help” in the top of my screen? This:

...Wait. What?!
Right? Allright, seems easy enough! … Or is it!?

I guess they are coitussing with me. (Bazinga)
Allright… That didn’t really get me further, maybe I should try contact?
“Help information isn’t available in English yet.”
Seriously!? Manually entering www.paypal.com/contact got me to a webform. Yes. In English. So I think I was all smart and all, but wait. Do I need to write English? Or Dutch? Better safe than sorry. English, PayPal is English. And behold! Within 24 hours I had a reply! And in that reply was all the information I already knew, I did not ask for, and copy pasted straight from the website. Optimistic as I was, I even closed the webform with “Thanks in advance for your time and patience reading this.” How ignorant of me. To think that anyone would even read my concerns and think I have no capabilities of my own to read the website. I guess they’re well aware of the website that doesn’t function. Either that, or they have complete disregard for their customers at PayPal. I think the latter, because when I replied, I gotten almost the same crappy copy paste mail as a (non-)answer to my concerns! An hour later they wanted me to fill in a survey about how their customer service. I had to laugh because they decided to communicate with me fully in Dutch.
“Beste Emiel Sondag, Op 05/04/2010 beantwoordde ik uw e-mail betreffende uw PayPal-rekening. Als onderdeel van PayPal’s belofte om uitstekende service te verlenen, wil ik graag weten of ik u zorgvuldig geholpen heb tijdens ons gesprek. Heeft u een paar minuten de tijd om de volgende vragen te beantwoorden en mij te laten weten hoe ik het heb gedaan?”
Seriously?! Seriously?! It’s not that I have high standards or anything but what is wrong with all of this!? All communication has been in English, I’ve never ever gone to the .nl site myself, have a PayPal account for years, and always gone to .com, and now this? *sigh* Filling in the survey. (Ooooh! Shiny text boxes!) If you can read Dutch, here is one of my 5 rants:

Such incompetence is hard to find
I guess they are fishing for compliments. Maybe they are under the impression that “it can’t be all that bad”. Yes PayPal. It is. And it’s probably worse. Because this isn’t all. I’m not done yet. I still have the same concerns and questions.
Your “Contact customer service” lacks everything but customers.
In the next UsaFAILity (Thanks to @miekd for title inspiration) eBay. And in part III DigiD.
- Emiel Sondag